Are long distance relationships set to fail? My uncle certainly thinks so. He has an inside knowledge about this too. His wife owns a crew ship agency and has seen and heard of all sorts of stories how their husbands would set off sail for about 8 months or so, only to return to a wife who has now cheated on him.
How did my relationship fall apart
I have a family in Philippines. I hoped to bring both of them home here, in Australia. I try to visit them as often and possible. Mid July of this year 2012. I went to see them and it was to be the end of our relationship. She was gone. Had enough and wants nothing to do with me any more. Her reasoning were; it took me too long to get a divorce which caused her to doubt my faith towards her. She thought I had plans all along to go back to my separated wife. She stuck with the idea, that if I really wanted to get a divorce, I would have done so already.
In part she was right. I could have done it already. I could have used my credit card to file a divorce (not going through any solicitors). We can apply for divorce online these days. I have even spoke to my employer’s lawyer who recommended that I do it online. That there was no need to get a solicitor because, my agreement with my ex-wife was clear. We had no issues with who gets what.
In defence to this long wait. This is what happened on my end. I was doing it in stages. Each year, I would try to accomplish something before moving to the next phase. As far as divorce was concerned. I needed about 1.5 years before I could file a divorce. Once I had passed that timeline I had an option to file a divorce or go and see the one that I love the most Job (Jobelle) Alaysa. I even spoke to her about it and we both agreed that I would come and see her (Job Alaysa)! So I did. Which meant that I could not file for a divorce because I needed to re-route the money to my travel plans. Oh, and also that fact that I was just coming off a bad investment that cost me a lot of money that sent me broke! This year, I had enough for both. But just to make sure, I thought I’d file it just after I get back from Philippines. You never know what unexpected expenses. Only, I was too late. She made her choice already.
The other part was because, even though we weren’t legally married. Our commitment to each other then was that of a married couple. I took advantage of that and didn’t think much about how she felt about it. Evidently, it was doing her head in and I was blamed for it. I am kicking myself for it and will carry it through for the rest of my life if we don’t get back together. I have no desires of getting into another relationship. She “completes me“.
The trouble in Philippines is that telephony is bad. Really bad. When she used to live in Surigao we faced similar problems. It was hard to call Jobelle because often enough, there was no network. At the very least, a very low signal. Often times Job would have to go outside our rented house so she can talk to me briefly.
When she moved to Bacolod City, evidently it was even worse! I saw that first hand. The minute you are inside the house, you had no phone coverage. Often times when I called from Australia, I would get a message saying that the phone was either switched off or not in a coverage area. In my point of view. This placed a huge strain in our relationship. I know it did to mine. Long distance relationship in my view requires a good open communication. What chance did we get when I could not even reach her?
The second issue, was mis-interpretations. Both my ex-fiance and I have similar mentalities. We often interpret things the wrong way. It’s is much more stronger on her part. We also both have personalities where we keep them bottled in. Where does all these go when it’s full? It explodes right? We are both like that. From there we would find a way to burn our bridges when trouble sinks in. Instead of facing our challenges by fixing it. Just ask her sister. She wanted to bang our heads together. We’re both stubborn as well!
Another issue was she was unable to really say what she really feels. Before I started blogging, I was like this. I could not open up that easily. The more I blogged, the easier it was for me to open up. As it was difficult for her to say how she really felt, this was putting a strain in our long distance relationship. It’s hard to anticipate when all you have to go with were vague answers, that you could not see her physical reaction to things. It was really hard.
Costs of phone calls
If the phone coverage was bad enough in the areas that my ex-fiance was living. Internet coverage was non-existent. Therefore we had to resort using phone calls. This is not cheap you know. If you want to nurture your relationship, you need a constant open communication line. I only had a budget of $50 per month for this. I couldn’t afford more. I had debts to pay, child support to give and had one source of income. Our conversations had to be short and sweet if I were to call everyday. So I opted to call once or twice a week so I can talk to her for about 30 minutes or so. The problem was, the days I call, she was unreachable. Sometimes I would try to call for 30 minutes and receive a message that her phone was switched off or not available. Sometimes as a budding photographer, she would be on assignment where literally, there are no phone coverage at all and she would be out for 3 days!
But for phone call costs, how much is international calls again? Yup, that’s right. Expensive. There are ways to minimise this and I found a carrier called GoTalk. This allowed us to have phone calls at 19c per minute as opposed to standard Australian mobile carriers where it could cost you about $1.50 per minute. There was another competing carrier that cost almost the same as 19c per minute but I stayed with GoTalk.
Love has no timeline
Seriously, though, if you really love that person, you will wait. I did and I still am. Despite what my uncle says that long distance relationship doesn’t work and that perhaps we are not meant to be for each other especially when we have a huge age gap. I would disagree. I know a couple where it took them 10 years before they got married. They lived apart for 10 years! Why it took them that long, who knows. I did not ask. But I know if you are meant for each other you will find a way to make it work.
Are you reading this honey? I am still here. I promised you few years back. You or nobody. I could not make this commitment or say you or nobody when I got married first time around but for some reason with you I have no issues what-so-ever. Yes, I got married in church and I know what was said but that feeling was not there. You and I are not even married and how I feel about it is much stronger and I don’t understand why. Yet again though, time heals, so maybe I will move on. But for now, this is what I am saying.
**sighs** This is the first time that happened to me in this grand scale. I usually am the one leaving somebody. But this time around I was the one who was left behind. Karma’s a bitch ain’t it? Still…. Job (Jobelle) Alaysa…I am still here…. now I know how Leah felt! Thank you for this experience. I have more respect to Leah now than ever because she managed to go through it maturely. Much more than how I handled ours.
Long distance is hard work
Any relationships after the honeymoon period is always hard work. What more when you are in a long distance relationship? It’s harder. You have to place a lot of faith toward your partner and at the same time place fate in it. It is very uncomfortable. Myself and my ex-fiance lived through this for 3 years. But ultimately fell apart. My conclusion in ours was a mere misunderstandings. Yes, we could have fixed it almost instantly, but we are also both stubborn people where when we make a decision we will most likely stick with it. That’s what she’s done in our case. She made a decision and stuck with it. Rendering our relationship lost.
Are you in a long distance relationship? What are you guys doing to make this relationship work? I would love to know more about it. Did yours fail too? How did it fail? Do you have any advices or stories you would like to share? Please share them on comment box below.
Filed under: Everyday Reading